What? You need an example? Fine…sometimes you people try my very existence…
The warden is about the throw the switch and the governor’s cell phone is dead, he’s lost the prison’s telephone number, the lines have been cut. He’s calling from inside the house! Get out! Get out! Get out! No news is good news? Well, until one minute after midnight and then its bad news. Tell the angels with dirty faces that Rocky died a coward. “All right fellas…let’s go say a prayer for a boy that couldn’t run as fast as I could”.
No news means that up on Choctaw Ridge this morning Billy Joe MacAllister didn’t jump of the Tallahatchie Bridge and you aren’t getting that young, vibrant healthy heart to stick into your withered old chest. Well, Billy Joe never had a lick of sense, pass the biscuits, please. There’s five more acres in the lower forty I’ve got to plow.
And let’s face it nobody wants to hear good news. Would CNN be in business if they only reported good news? Boring!
Cynical? Probably. Maybe the time between the no news and the news is a period of grace. Where all possibilities in the universe are well, possible. A moment frozen between infinite realities. That breath of time never to be captured again when you are a young man who still believes that he is immortal. And maybe that’s not such a bad thing. If you don’t check your lottery ticket you’re still a winner and you can spend the day dreaming of how great your life is going to be when you pick up that six-foot long game show size cheque for a cool million. But sooner or later you have to get the news and that news is – TADA! – you’re just another loser like all the other losers who bought a ticket. By the way do you know the odds of winning a lottery? It’s a big number. A googolplex number. Pie squared times base 17 or something like that.
Don’t tell me you can’t win if you don’t buy a ticket. And please don’t tell me that somebody’s got to win. That’s just a marketing scheme. Ok it’s also a fact. You actually have to buy a ticket to win. Stupid rules.
Oh and another thing why are all the people in the lottery ads young and good-looking. Now it is certainly ok for young and good-looking people to buy lottery tickets and even win the lottery. But hey if you are young and good-looking you have already won the lottery. Don’t get greedy.
Same goes for liquor ads. A lot of incredibly attractive folks seem to be having a lot of parties that I’m not invited too. I know I know that’s the whole point. If I see that these people are having a good time buying lottery tickets and drinking distilled spirits then eventually I will be programmed to think that if I follow their example my life will be as wonderful as living in a beer commercial. But just once I like to see an advert featuring a guy with a bottle in a brown paper bag dancing for nickels at the bus stop. That’s a product that I could relate too. That’s my Saturday night.
Also there seem to be a great number of very good-looking single people signing up to meet other singles in my area. It’s free. It’s easy. It’s fun. It’s a 1-800 number. Are these extremely photogenic people really sitting at home talking on the telephone to other photogenic people? Is this why when I go out I never see them? It is three o’clock in the morning and Bambi is telling me she is only a phone call away but long distance charges may apply?
This poor sad lonely girl is sitting at home awaiting my call.
So no news is just that – no news. And why should you be wasting your time waiting for the news anyway? Go out and live your life. Remember today is the first day of the rest of your life – well unless you’re on death row.
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