Have you ever noticed that weather is around us all the time? You can’t get away from it. It’s everywhere. Except at the mall. Ok, the mall has weather. It’s a constant comfortable 68 degrees and the wind chill is barely negotiable. They say there are two certainties of life – death and taxes but they never mention the weather. There will be weather going on while you are being taxed to death. And weather is always doing something. Always busy. Always working up new patterns and trying them out on people to see how it will go. Weather even has focus groups. Noah’s Ark? Focus group.
I have decided after many years of study that weather’s whole purpose in life is to make people query – “Do I need a jacket?” Weather gets a huge kick out it. To quote John Burroughs – “I was born with a chronic anxiety about the weather” or “Do I need a jacket?” We go through life asking the eternal questions “Why am I here? What does it all mean? Do we need milk?” And if you think about it “Do I need a jacket” is just as significant. If you were to venture out on a seek the meaning of life journey that included scaling a mountain top to reach the summit were upon you will meet the all-seeing-all-knowing-all-request-dance-party-Saturdays-swinging-guru well, before you take one small step for mankind out the front door there is only one important question that must be answered first – “Do I need a jacket?”
Yes, I was born with a chronic anxiety about the weather and let’s face it all humans are. What is the number one topic of all daily conversations? Weather. What do you talk about at a funeral after the condolences? Weather. What does cocktail party/first date/office function Plan B chit-chat revolve around? Weather. Can‘t help it. It’s coded in our DNA.
Mr Bob DNA fingerprint - one of a kind.
Humans spend an inordinate time trying to govern the life around them. You know walk don’t walk type things. However no matter how hard we try we cannot legislate the weather. We can try but Mr. Weather has skipped town after failing to appear on the charge of raining on our parade and he has forfeited his bail. Sure he will drift back to town like a cool summer breeze in a Tennessee Williams script to tease us and caress us like a young lover. And we will forgive and forget as he tussles our hair with gentle gusts of playfulness. And we will think we have tamed this untamable condition but our hearts will be broken yet again. For that summer breeze changes direction and from the north it blows hard and cold. And then we are out on the front lawn with our neighbour King Lear raging at the elements. “Blow, winds and crack your cheeks! rage! blow!” Sorry Pete Townsend but we got fooled again.
Ok, so listen to this it was written by William Bradford… “And for the season it was winter and they that know the winters of that country know them to be sharp and violent and subject to cruel and fierce storms dangerous to travel”…it goes on ….“weather beaten face…..full of woods and thickets… a wild and savage hue.” I would guess that when Mr. Bradford wrote this about the New World or as we know it, Canada back in 1620 something or other it’s obvious he wasn’t working for a travel agency. Not something you want to re-print in a hospitality industry newsletter.
My family has a journal written by my great, great-grandfather that describes his early days in Canada. It goes on and on about how tough it was to get here and how poor they were and how everything little thing was so difficult. How hard it was to clear the land. How cold the first winter was. Blah, blah, blah. The only thing I learned about my ancestors was that they were a whiny bunch of sucks. Anyway things got so bad that first winter they had to eat their shoes. Or that might have been a Chaplin movie I saw as a kid but things were tough. So when spring came did they pack up and head south? No. They stayed and the next winter they had to eat the horse’s shoes.
Did you know who discovered Canada first? Vikings. Yes, Vikings. But they didn’t stay. They crossed the North Atlantic in open row boats – open row boats people, took one look around and said nope. If it was too tough for the Vikings what are we doing here? When I hear someone complain about the weather in Canada I have one thing to say to them. Move. Move to Vikingland. Which is what I plan to do as soon as I can afford it. Have you seen the Viking women?
The future Mrs. Mr Bob Radio
Reminds me of a joke. Baby Polar Bear is crossing the ice with his father. He asks his father if he is a polar bear. Yes is the reply. A moment later he asks if he is a full-blooded polar bear. Again the reply is yes. After a time he pipes up again questioning the possibility that contained within his veins flow the blood of a bear who hails from a more southern clime. At this Father Polar Bear becomes angry and demands why is his son making these ridiculous queries. And Baby Polar Bear says, “ I’m freezing.”
So what are we to do? Well we don’t have much choice. The weather has us surrounded and is taking hostages. You can’t live at the mall. Ok you can but only during zombie attacks. No, the only solution is get used to it. Quit complaining. Deal. And get a jacket.
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